Monsieur Schwagger,
Firstly, I would like to thank you for your honest and insightful criticism. I will be resubmitting my essays for this class at the end of the quarter, I just found out, so this will be most useful to me.
Now: your criticisms are all valid and well-heard, and I intend to heed them.
This essay "is basically an outline," but this outline only got through two-thirds of its own preliminary outline that did propose actual avenues for educational, economic, and political reform. They were to be modest and shallow propositions, brought up for discussion and discussed briefly (like too much of the rest of this paper), but discussed nonetheless. These propositions--or rather directed redistributions of value, wealth, and interests--would again deconstruct issues of reform to elemental levels--prominently, biologically. Here is where I would actually support my thesis, which in this draft stands unfounded. I hate this, but this is what I had as the bell tolled 8 and so I rolled it off the printer's press and into class, late already a week. The thesis and title are, as it is now, mostly unsupported in the paper. My goal was to incorporate institutional adaptations via societal evolution to solve the problems of inequity plaguing modernity. That is where my ecological outlook, "wish-wash" optimism (that is actually utilitarian, for if we cannot hope, aspire to change and improve, then what is the use of this discussion?), and assertion for diversity come into play.
I feel compelled to also state that the prompt for this paper was simply to present an issue (local, national, or global) and argue a stance for a minimum of three pages. To escape inane simplicity, and to use an assignment as an avenue for self-expression, I chose an argument (finally, the day it was due) that I felt would aptly associate my views and sentiments with the argument. As always, I used an irrelevant introduction (the seasonal analogy) to bolster my creative process rather than the argument itself; however, I did intend it to augment the aforementioned omitted biomimetic resolution, substantiating the title, analogy, and thesis in fruition.
Also, after my experiences at our most beloved alma mater, I have learned that some credit is better than no credit--a lesson that is solely responsible for my timely graduation. So my complete lack of transitions and editing, oh, let's say my title, analogy, and thesis, is due to my hurried submission of the assignment.
I will put Marx on my Sugg.s--Reads list.
And I will continue to write to hone my voice. When terms bear to be beaten to death in arguments such as this one, I tend to synonymic extravagance, probably to a fault. I have not written many essays and only a select few (probably a stretch) have been composed with enough time for craft. I hope to change this.
Speaking of continuing to write, I have a new poem I wrote today. Let me know what you think my contemporarily catholicized contemplative crony.